I took a break from the 30 Days of Truth for the weekend. We were ultra busy with my 25-year reunion and working the Falcons game at the GA Dome. (Two posts within themselves). So let's start the week with the next one.
Something you have to forgive someone else for
Middle school is a tough time, and for me it was extra difficult. I was in the 6th grade when my parents divorced and I had to move to a new school in the middle of the year. Being a heavy girl, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere so being NEW made it even worse.
Another wrinkle in the fold is that I was (and still kinda am) boy crazy. I had crushes on the ones I couldn't "have" and only let the obtainable ones know I liked them. That was the case with this one particular guy... lets call him Craig. He, too, was a heavy-set kid and didn't seem to have a lot of girls that liked him. In my desperate-for-a-boyfriend mind, I thought he would be flattered that a girl liked him and might, actually, want to go out with me.
Anyhoo... my friends let his friends know that I had a crush on him. (I liked him for months before I told a soul.) He hung around the "popular" kids, and I was with the misfits. Thinking back, it was definitely a Pretty in Pink-type scenario but with different outcomes. I wound up, happily, with Ducky for a while! LOL
So one morning, much to my delight/surprise, Craig asked me to "go with" him. I was over the moon! I floated through the first half of the day happily basking in the thought that I was Craig's girlfriend. I had such a smile on my face and giggled with my girlfriends.
Then came lunch.
I walked in the lunchroom where he was sitting with all of his buddies at a table closest to the door. I heard, "MARNI!" and looked to my right where he was sitting. He then yelled as loud as he could, "Hey, I'm breaking up with you. Why would I want to go with such a fat cow?" and everyone started laughing at me.
I ran out of the lunchroom mortified, and hid in the bathroom for the rest of the period.
Needless to say, I never spoke of a crush with the popular kids again. I stuck with my group and found lots of cute, sweet, funny boys that actually liked me. I stayed at the school until the middle of 8th grade when mom and I moved to the school I eventually graduated from.
I have hurt over that comment for so long. It shaped a lot of how I felt about myself for YEARS.
In college, I had a class with Craig. He looked so good. He had lost a lot of weight and had aged really well. I looked better though. I was in the sorority and had more confidence in myself. But when I saw him, it all came flooding back.
One day he came up to me before class. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what was going to happen.
He put his hands on my desk and said, "I want to apologize for what I said to you that day. It has bothered me since it happened. I was trying to look big in front of my friends and had no idea it would hurt you like it did. I felt awful then and I feel awful now."
I said I forgave him, but I don't know if I did. I still have image issues and it all started that day. I don't remember thinking about how I looked before those words came out of his mouth, and since then, it is all consuming.
It was the prank of a silly 7th grader. I am a different person than I was then. Without sounding conceited or vain, I think I look better now than ever. But that little girl still aches for acceptance. She still wants the laughter of that day to stop echoing in her head.
I need to let it go. I'm going to work on that.
A Forced March in the Woods. Part 2
7 months ago