Something you have to forgive yourself for
Lord-have-mercy this one is tough. There are several extremely personal things I could insert here, but I won't. Those are mine to deal with alone.
I need to forgive myself for being a smoker.
It all started with a girl I'll call RB. She was a year older than me - 13 - when I met her. Yes, do the math... I started smoking when I was 12!!! (but I didn't start inhaling until I was 14)
We would sneak to the pool or outside of our apartments and smoke away. Her dad didn't mind that she did it; my mom would have beat my butt had she known.
I did ask her one day what she would do if she found out I smoked. She made me go get my Marlboro Reds (that I had hidden in a bush!) and smoke one in front of her. I was MORTIFIED, and I quit for about a week. After that, I never asked her again, and I tried everything in my power to hide it from her. I still don't know if she realizes how much I smoked.
RB and I went to her mom's house one weekend. I thought I was the shit because she let us smoke in the house. Her mom bought us a carton of cigarettes (Winston Reds) and we smoked the ENTIRE thing in two nights. I was soooooooo sick and quit for a couple of months. When I decided to pick up the habit again, I could never smoke a Winston again.
I quit on and off over the years, but always came back to it. When I got pregnant with the kids, I quit the entire time and for about 6 months after they were born.
Then I had my surgery.
I thought "why are you doing this huge, life-altering surgery only to kill yourself with smoking?" So I stopped cold turkey.
Do I continue? There are times. When I drink I smoke, but it tastes like crap. I usually only have one or two and then stop. But I have NO craving for them outside of that.
Do I wish I had never started? Of course I do. It is a horrible addiction. They are nasty and they stink. But it is part of who I am... part of me that I am not proud of. I hope I never get addicted to them again.
A Forced March in the Woods. Part 2
7 months ago