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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I think I'm depressed

I want to sleep all the time and not because I'm sleepy. If I sit still for longer than 20 minutes I am out. But sleep doesn't refresh me. It only makes me more tired.

I cry - a lot. And at the dumbest things. Today, for example, I was watching Ellen. When she started dancing, I started bawling. I don't know why. It just happened. And it happens all. the. time. (Like now)

I don't want social contact. The thought of being alone makes me happy. I don't have to answer questions, deal with fights, make decisions, talk. It is quiet. It is for me. I love working from home because I don't have to talk to co-workers. I love the people I work with -- I just don't want to deal with them. I don't want to hear their whining when there is enough of that going on in my head.

But I'm also being selfish. I'm a mom and wife. I need to interact with my family. I need to talk to them. I just don't want to. And they don't know that. I put on a front. At least I think I do.

Maybe I'm kidding myself.

I don't know who to talk to about this. My PCP? A shrink? Who? Who helps you feel normal again? Who tells you it can be fixed? Who can make me happy again?

Who can freakin' pay for it?


Biddie said...

Oh, Marni, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.
I don't know how things work in the U.S. but there must be someone that can help you get affordable help - NOW. Maybe you could hook up with a Chaplin through a church. Most churches are willing to help people in need even if they aren't part of the congregation.
There is always your blog. Sometimes just venting can help you enormously.
I know what you mean about the crying. Beverely Chihuahua almost made me cry.

Kim said...

There have been two times in my life when I was feeling similar to what you described (both ex related - go figure!). Both times I went to my PCP and he prescribed a med that worked wonders. One time it was an anti-depressant and the other was an anti-anxiety. Both times I took the meds for about 9-12 months and then weaned myself off of it once things were going better. I'd start with your PCP and just be honest and tell them how you are feeling. The cost should only be your co-pay and then get them to use a generic med to cut costs too. Hope that helps. It sucks to feel that way - I'd know.

Love ya girl,

SkippyMom said...

I am not a doctor and I don't play one on the internet :D, but after talking the other day I suspect this is situational and normal - somethings in life do cause sadness and depression - but aren't neccessarily an OMGmedicaterightnao! situation - Drugs do have their place, but perhaps you should talk to someone and find out what is going on - maybe you do need more sleep, or a better diet? Or a myriad of other things, but you won't know if you don't have someone to talk to.

If you have insurance I am sure your PCP can find someone to talk to and then you can from there, okay - but talk to your PCP first and find out what direction to go for. Yes, we are beholden to our family, but if we aren't okay first then they suffer, right? It sounds like a burden, I know, but we love 'em and wouldn't have it any other way, eh?

You know where I am and I am around all the time, don't hesitate, okay?

Hugs sweetie!

Lori said...

Aww - we all go through rough patches, hopefully that's all this is. Make sure you exercise and drink plenty of water. It's ok to make time for yourself if you feel the need to. Do things to nourish your soul back to a peaceful place.

Hope you feel better soon!

Martha said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling down. It might not be a bad idea to see your primary doc and see what s/he has to say. I don't know how things work where you're at, but in my town, the county health department has a sliding scale (for medical and counseling services) and offers prescription assistance.

Anonymous said...

From my experience this could be hormones!! Have them tested and go from there. You will be fit as a fiddle in no time.

Becky said...

Hope you feel better soon! I have cried off and on for the past month. I need a job desperately and everything is going to hell in a handbasket.

KLee said...

I think you have a lot of stuff going on in your life right now, and it's perfectly normal that you want to try and escape from it all by being alone. Everyone goes through that at some point. The difference is if YOU think you need to talk to someone. What you may be experiencing may be hormonal, as has been suggested, or may be what is called "situational" anxiety or depression. It may have to do with all the upheaval in your life right now -- J-man's school, Carl's job, Carl's mom's diagnosis -- on top of your regular nine-to-five job and mundane stuff like feeding the family and doing the laundry. It's a lot to deal with. You're entitled to feel bad. Whether you think you need to talk to someone about it or not is up to you. I think that you have a right to be upset and stressed out, and I wouldn't be surprised if you pulled out of your "funk" in a while. You strike me as a pretty optimistic person, and while I don't think you will ever hide your head in the sand about things, I think you will make good choices, make the best with what you have, and go on from there. And, I think you'll do a damn fine job on the way. But, that's just my armchair quarterbacking talking. Call me if you need a friendly ear.

GrizzBabe said...

KLee offered some great advice. I hope things get better soon! I really do.