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Friday, November 09, 2007

Putting it out there

When I was pregnant with J-man I remember asking mom "but what if I get tired of being a parent?" I don't remember her answer, but I'm sure it was along the lines of "you won't. Being a parent is hard but it will all be OK."

Well, guess what?

I'm tired of it.

I love my kids -- PLEASE don't get me wrong. But I'm tired of being a parent.

What is really want is to:
  • sleep without worry
  • stop crying so the swelling around my eyes will go down
  • be able to eat without feeling nauseous
  • enjoy going home
  • eat dinner without yelling or talk to one another without anger
  • know that J-man and Bug are going to turn out OK
  • know that homework is being done and TURNED IN on time
  • get bedrooms cleaned -- or guinea pigs fed and watered -- without being told
  • talk to my kids without worrying that I am scarring them for life
  • know that I AM a good parent and am making the right decisions for them
  • love and enjoy every minute I spend with them

I wish this were easier. Some days I want to run away and hide. There are days - like yesterday - that I wonder just what on earth I've done.

It will get better. I know it will. I love my kids and they know that. I'm not loving myself much though.

I've got us an appointment to talk to someone. Someone that is partial and can look at our situation from the outside and without emotion. Maybe he can help me -- and us. Maybe he will give me some answers that I have been searching for.

Maybe he will help me enjoy being a parent again.


Lisa said...

Aww Marni! I feel your pain, truly. There are days when I just feel like packing a small bag, jumping in the car and relocating to a far off place after changing my name to get a fresh new lease on life. I hope your "talk" time helps a bit! Hang in there girl.

CindyDianne said...

I wish I had the words to say that would make it all better. I don't. I feel this way myself sometimes. Just know I am thinking of you. It will get better. Good luck.

(Of course, I'll be thinking of you from Amarillo as we are headed up to the WRCA Championship rodeo tonight. WUHOO!)

SkippyMom said...

Sweetheart ... just know you are so NOT alone. I can't imagine any Mom not having these type of doubts and moments...just comes with the territory. You are doing your best [which is all you can do] and you are trying hard by making that appointment. Hang in there and feel free to vent any time [call me if needed, 'kay?...oh, I have a new phone and I will give it to you!]

Hugs always!

Keith Kennedy said...

Moms have it worse than us dads. Just remember what it was like when they were born - we were all just happy they were healthy.

The problem is that our expectations go way up during the rearing process.

Find the little things and be happy for those and do the best you can with the rest of the shit!

It will work out - it always does.

Nadine said...

Hugs! The concern you express in this post shows that you are a good mom. I hope things ease up a bit on you soon.

her indoors said...

hey dont be so hard on yourslef. i only had the one son, but between him and the husband there were times i felt like packing it all in.
you will get through this sweetie, you will, you love your kids and they love you ((((hugs)))

Burfica said...

There are many days that I feel like the absolute worst mother in the world, and how I have failed.

I just try to do the very best I can. I think talking to someone who isn't in the middle of it all should be really helpful.

Good luck!!

Canadian flake said...

I read this and kept saying AMEN SISTA...honest I did. Most days I get to bed and wonder how I got through the day without killing them...and how am I gonna get up and do it all again tomorrow..yet I do..wish I knew how.

GrizzBabe said...

I think it's AWESOME that you are going to talk to someone. The fact that you realize that you need help and you are not afraid to ask for it means you are a good parent.

chelene said...

I agree with Nadine and I think it's wonderful that you're going to talk to someone. Good luck.

Biddie said...

I really can't say anything that hasn't already been said. I do think that these feelings are probably pretty normal...They are for me, anyway! There were times when kid#2 started highschool when I thought that I had failed miserably. Everytime the phone rang, I felt sick - I was sure that it was going to be the school. (Most of the time it was)
I'm glad that you'll be talking to someone.
Hugs xx

rain said...

Hang in there, honey. Good for you for reaching out.

ccw said...

I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time. Parenting is emotionally and physically draining when things are going well. When things aren't going smoothly it all feels like a struggle.

I hope talking with someone helps you.


whatevergirl said...

I just wanted to say "This too shall pass." Counseling is wonderful. It is so great to get a different perspective. And they will confirm that you are not a horrible mom. I don't have teens yet, but I often think if I yell and screw up as much as I do now, what is to come?

Ms Teefy said...

hey, its April. I read your blog every once in awhile but I wanted to comment on this parenting thing. First of all, I feel your pain!! Second, I have literally driven myself crazy for years (my son is 15) questioning every move I have ever made and every word I have ever said to my kids. I have also tried to fix all of MY problems from childhood by overcompensating on my kids. Such as, trying to talk to them about every little thing because i didn't feel anyone communicated with me as a child, trying to buy them things to show them I love them because I always felt neglected in this area and spoiling them into being demanding of me because I am always there! Just a few of the biggies I have done. But most of all I have driven myself crazy and beat myself up for years. And what I have to say to you is this.....First of all, there is no manual for this, kids are people, individuals with their own minds and you have to treat them as such and ACCEPT their personalities no matter how 'bad' or 'good' they are. Second, they will absorb more from WHO you are than WHAT you say. Third, be yourself and let them know that you are a person too and losing it with them or having a bad day, well, you're entitled! I think it is a good idea to go talk to a counselor. It will definitely help your perspective and skills. It will make you feel better. Now, having said that, just remember that they (the counselor) do not live in your house, they do not know your kids like you do and sometimes you just have to trust your own instincts on the best way to handle things. Don't get me wrong, I have had many years of counseling and it helped me tremendously! It did nothing for my son. He is out of the box with his personality (go figure I would have a kid like that! haha) he won't talk to anyone about his feelings so I just have to show him that I am there for him and if he ever decides to seek counseling or fix his problems on his own, I'll support him. Boys are hard to handle. I have had to make him responsible for his actions and his school work even if that means failing a class or two when he is highly, highly intelligent. I have had teachers get onto ME because I won't 'do anything about him'. But, Marni, I am sure you are a great parent just in the short time I have talked to you again. I can tell and I am proud of you. Trust yourself and don't waste time beating yourself up. My husband is a firm believer that the things that went wrong in his life shaped him into the good person he is today and so I hang onto that alot. I know that is true about me but it has taken me a long time to see it I have talked enough! I just wanted to encourage you.

Princess Banter said...

Though I don't have a kid yet myself, I am aware that being a parents is a tough job -- one that lasts for eternity! I dislike people who take parenthood for granted, and those who think it's just as simple as getting a pet (though that in itself isn't simple, mind). You're doing well m'dear! And I'm sure your kids will appreciate it later on :)

Marni said...

Thank you, everyone! Your support means the world to me.

We'll get thru it -- I hope.

Anonymous said...

Marni, this is my first visit to your blog, but I hope it's ok if I respond here. I agree with most of what has been said -- parenting is hard even under the best circumstances, but there should be good days, too. Great idea to get counseling, and I hope you have chosen carefully whom to talk with. One additional thing I would like to suggest: prayer
Have heart-to-heart "talks" with your Father in heaven, and listen for his answers. It may take a little time, but they will come.
My best wishes to you.

Marni said...

Anonymous: Welcome! You can visit and comment any time you like. Thank you for your encouragement and I DO pray every night. He has given me some answers lately so it is definitely working. :)