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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Happy 2nd re-birthday to me...

All my life I have struggled with weight. I've been called fat bitch, chunky, whale... you name it. I've been given the "You are so pretty - but you would be even prettier if you just lost a little bit of weight" speech. I've been on the receiving end of glares and disgusted looks. I even had a guy ask me to "go with" him on a dare (I had a HUGE crush on him) and then break up with me in a full cafeteria by yelling across the room "Why would I want to have a cow like you for a girlfriend?!" I was humiliated!

It has always been difficult to find clothes. It sucks going into a specialty store and paying outrageous prices. The clothes are cute enough, but you always look like you are trying to be fashionable.

Diet and exercise you say? Yep... I've done it all. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, baby food, liquid diets, the cardiac diet, starving myself, getting up at 4:30 in the morning to exercise with Richard Simmons (say what you want about him, but I LOVE his exercise tapes), ordering one of those damn Gazelle machines, you name it... nothing worked. I was miserable. I knew I was fat, but I couldn't get the pounds off. I would get so frustrated because I wanted it all to happen overnight. I kept telling myself that I didn't put it all on in one day so it won't come off quick - but that didn't help.

Then in October of 2003 I was on the couch when something whispered in my ear - I'm not making this up folks. It was an audible voice that said "If you do not DO something you will die." I freaked. I cried. I started thinking about my kids growing up without their mom and only remembering her as a fat blob on the couch. I didn't want them to remember me that way! I wanted to be happy and, well, smaller. So I started researching gastric bypass surgery.

I had been thinking of the surgery for years but was always afraid of it. I had to find a surgeon that I trusted and was the best. I found him in Dr. Dennis Smith. He is so wonderful; he was put on this earth to change people's lives. He is warm, friendly, easy to talk to, and really cares about his patients and their health. I trusted him completely and 2 years ago today I had my surgery.

Going in to surgery I weighed around 267 pounds. (I have pre and post op pictures but can't get them to load. I'll work on it.) I was unhappy with myself, my life, everything. But on August 5, 2004 my world changed. It didn't happen overnight. The first week was the worst and it wasn't pain from the surgery. It was watching commericals of food and realizing I would NEVER be able to eat like that again. The change happened in my body first - my mind next.

Today, 110 pounds lighter, I am almost the person I have always known was in there. I say almost because I still have "fat girl" thoughts, but I am a happier, better person. I haven't quite reached my goal - I have been holding here for about 8 months... I'll get there, though!

There are several things that improved after the surgery. For example:
  • No pain in my knees, ankles, back, neck, shoulders, toes, etc.
  • I can fly in an airplane without using extenders on the seat belts
  • I can play with my kids - outside - in the yard - even in hot weather
  • I don't have to have the AC on arctic to stay cool; I actually live under blankets and wear sweaters at work! (Carl actually gets hot before I do!)
  • I can walk up stairs without getting winded
  • I can walk - period
  • I can shop in ANY STORE at the mall and find clothes that fit!
  • I can flirt and not get disgusted looks
  • I can hold my head high and not worry about what others think of me (I know I shouldn't do that anyway, but when you are heavy...)
  • I can eat whatever I want (except sugar) but in smaller portions
  • I can comfortably ride rollercoasters (my passion)
  • I no longer have to use a c-pap machine for sleep apnea
  • I can fit in Carl's clothes!

I actually received a dirty look the other day. It was from a young girl who eyed me up and down and gave me the "mmm, I'd look better in that" look. Know what I'm talking about? I was thrilled! I started laughing - when she wasn't around of course.

It may have been two years ago that I had my surgery, but I still worry about my weight. The surgery is NOT a way out. It is only a tool that helps you eat less. Drastic, yes. Worth it, ABSOLUTELY. I wish I had done it years earlier.

SO - happy re-birthday to me. I know there will be many more - I haven't heard that voice again.


Beth said...

What a beautiful post, Marni. I've been so proud of you for the last couple of years. You had the surgery, yes. But you worked hard to take off the weight and keep it off. I love to see you these days -- see your face glow, see you look happy, see you be proud of yourself. You're an inspiration to me, so I can't imagine what an inspiratino you are to those two cute kids. You're beautiful, and it's great that the rest of the world gets to see that now. Love you, kid.

Marni said...

Thank you. (crying now) That means so much to me!

Not much of an inspiration to them at the moment... been on the tirade about their rooms and throwing shit away... ;)

Old Lady said...

Happy 2nd re-birthday! Kudos to you.

KLee said...

Marni -- I am still that girl that you once were. I am still that big. So, I know what you're talking about. I know the pain you felt when you talked about the way people treated you. I still get it even now. I am larger now that you said you were at the time of your surgery.

I've tried dieting, but it very rarely ever works. I have always felt that surgery is such a huge option -- shouldn't I be able to do it on my own? I admire you for going ahead and doing it.

I'm glad that you're finally happy with yourself. Happy re-birthday to you.

Marni said...

Klee: The surgery isn't for everyone and you have to want it for yourself. I HAD to do it... do you want to talk off-line? I'm here for you... know that, OK?

Heidi the Hick said...

Hi Marni!

I just wanted to tell you Thank You for leaving a comment for me.

(And I have a pug too, I don't know if you knew that...)

(Or maybe he has me....)

Marni said...

I think he has you... that is the pug's way!

barista brat said...

happy 2nd re-birthday!

i know surgery isn't a quick fix and your post shows that. i'm sure your kids love having an energetic and healthy mom. congrats to you and good job on maintaining your course.