J-man's friend - let's call him Eddie - has all the social graces of a pop tart. I didn't know this before he came to visit (or take over as he tried to do). I know he has "issues" because J-man will tell us when Eddie has ISS (in school suspension), but I like to think the best of folks. Maybe he just needs a good friend - like J-man - to keep him on the straight and narrow. Then again, maybe not.
I've mentioned before that my step-dad is a Shriner. Every year they have a circus and carnival to raise money for the hospitals. I like for the kids to bring a friend along so they have someone to talk to and ride the rides. My step-dad purchases a LOT of circus tickets and ride tickets so we can go have a good time.
This year J-man brought Eddie.
It started off OK. We get in the car and head to the circus. Eddie is doing a typical kid thing -- he is trying to show off. We pass a paintball center... "See that place, Ms. Marni? My team won the championship there!"... "My soccer team won state, Ms. Marni"... etc. I can handle that. Kids are always trying to impress folks.
It's THIS kind of stuff that pushes me over the edge:
- We ran low on ride tickets. Eddie goes running into the building where my mom and step-dad are working and says "we're out of tickets. GIVE us more." Mom looks over his head at me and says "Are you out?" Being the good daughter I am I say "Yes, ma'am. Can we have a few more?" While this exchange is happening, Eddie is rummaging through the soda cooler and grabbing him a bottle of Coke. I couldn't believe it!
- He tried to get in an argument with a carnival worker. He played a game where you toss a little ball and try to get it into a cup. It is nearly impossible to do, but he had to try. He bought a bucket of balls... none went in... I watched the. entire. time. After his bucket was empty he said "I got one!" Both the carnival guy and I said "No you didn't". He kept saying "but I got one!" Over and over. I finally got in front of him and said "Eddie -- you DID NOT get one in. I have been standing here watching. If you had gotten one in we would have been yelling, clapping and high-fiving. It didn't happen. WALK AWAY..." Little freakin' liar. (I have to give him some credit though... I didn't bring enough money for J-man and Bug to play games. They don't need those cheap toys. Eddie offered to pay for them to play a game or two... maybe there is hope)
- On the way home from the circus I told the kids we would order pizza. Eddie asks "What kind?" I say "Papa Johns. We can order it online and you guys can go play while we are waiting on it to arrive". He says "I don't like Papa John's. Let's get tacos instead." I told him "No. If we get tacos then it will be too late for you to play. I tell you what. Let's just drive thru McDonalds and you guys can eat in the car!" He says "OK. Get me 10 nuggets, fries and a coke". I have to bite my tongue. I mean, first of all, I was brought up to believe that when you are a guest, you eat what is offered; you don't demand dinner. I tell him "You know what? J-man and Bug get the six piece kid's meal. I think we'll get that for you, too!" and THAT is what he got.
- Later on in the evening, I made some coffee. Bug and I usually share a cup. Eddie looks at me, points to my mug and says "What are you drinking?" I tell him coffee and ask him if he would like some. He says "I don't like coffee. I want hot chocolate." I tell him we don't have any and he says "OK. I'll take coffee then." Luckily he got distracted by the video game and didn't get any.
- As we were getting ready for bed, Eddie asks "so what's for breakfast?" I say "I don't usually cook if Carl isn't home, so you have pop tarts, cereal or waffles". He says (Get this...) "Well, you don't have any milk, so you need to GET SOME before the morning so we can eat cereal" (I'm thinking to myself, why are YOU telling me to get groceries). I called Carl to see if he would grab some milk on the way home so his hind-ass could eat some f**ing cereal.
- The next morning - after he'd eaten breakfast - he was rummaging around in the kitchen and pronounced "I'm hungry! I'm gonna make me a hot dog." I looked - ok GLARED - at him and said "No, sir you are not cooking a hot dog at 10 am! You can make a sandwhich or eat a bowl of cereal but you are not allowed to COOK anything in this house." Was that too harsh?
- He told J-man he was dumb because he couldn't play the video games correctly. I told Eddie that J-man doesn't like to read the instructions; he just jumps in and tries to figure it out himself. I asked him to teach J-man the correct way to play since HE was such a FANTASTIC player instead of calling J-man dumb.
- Carl's old cell phone was laying in the floor where Bug had been playing with it. Carl gave it to her because it was broken.... it doesn't have a battery and, even if it did, it doesn't work a lick. Eddie picked it up and said "WOW! This is a cool phone. Does it work?" I told him no and gave him the reasons. He said "Shoot. I was hoping that if it worked I could just have it!" Excuse me?! That is a pretty expensive phone for me to just GIVE to you... brat.
- I gave him a book of circus tickets (which contains four tickets) to give to his dad. Eddie has a little brother and I thought it would be nice if they could enjoy the circus, too. I overheard Eddie talking to J-man and he says, "I'll just walk in your granny's booth and say 'I'm J-man's friend. Remember me? Can I have some of those ride tickets?' And she'll give them to me. My dad won't have to pay for a thing!" I had to seriously bite my tongue.
Other things...
- The kid never once thanked my mom, step-dad or me for the tickets. I had to force it out of him.
- He never said excuse me when he burped or farted.
- When we dropped him back off with his parents, he didn't thank me... nor did he say goodbye to J-man. He just walked off.
I look at my kids now and can see that I'm doing a good job with them. I am told time and again how polite they are... they just don't act that way around me - I'm MOM. I was shocked at this kid. Are all kids like this or is he an exception?
Carl says he can't come over ever again. I want to agree with him, BUT what if we can be a positive influence on him? What if WE are here to teach him how to be a better person? I'm already raising two... I don't want a third, but I don't want this kid to go down the path I can see for him. AND I don't want him taking J-man with him!
20 comments:
one word for him BRAT! sad thing is its not his fault i know people say blame the parents but you have to look at the way they must behave for him to be such a brat!! i am affraid i would have words with him and tell him how we expect him to behave if he wants to continue to join in with your family.
I tried to set up expectations, but it was his first visit with us. I kept telling the kids -- all of them -- to watch out or mean mom was going to make an appearance. That would calm them down for a little bit.
Trust me, if he continues to hang out with J-man there will be a HUGE discussion about how he behaves in our home.
I wouldn't let him come back. When he asks why, which he assuredly will since you showed him such a good time, tell him. "I think you acted like a brat and I don't want to be around you. When you think you can have some manners and act appreciative, then maybe you can come over again."
Or maybe not. I am not sure. Well, I probably would tell him that, personally. THAT might be the most helpful thing you can do for him. Maybe.
That is what I want to tell him, but I don't want to break J-man's heart. This is his first guy-friend that he feels like he can bring home. I want us to be a good influence on him but I don't want to put up with his crap!
I'm torn!
It's not your responsibility to teach him how to behave, nor should you encourage his behavior by continuing to let him come over and act that way.
The next time he wants to come over, I would say something along the line of what CindyDianne suggested. Also, I would tell J-man that he's allowed to play with him at HIS house only and explain why. I think that will hit the kid harder and he'll probably be more willing to shape up. Or maybe he's just a total brat with no hope. :)
I'm with Carl. I wouldn't have him back to my house either. We have our own "brat" situation with a child in our neighborhood. And, honestly, it IS the parents fault he behaves the way he does. I won't let WJ play with him anymore unless all the kids on the block are outside together. And, just found out yesterday that one of the other kids parents have said the same thing. I just can't tolerate that sorta stuff.
It is not your place to try and be a good influence on this little bastard. There is no “Calling From God” compelling you to intervene in his raising. And don’t worry about breaking J-man’s heart. Kick Eddie’s butt and tell J-man why you did it. He will understand. No friend is better than one like him. Being a good host and mother is wonderful. Letting the little shit run over you and act as he did isn’t. I would tell his parents, too. They can’t correct him if they do not know about how he acted.
And you are right - J-man and Bug are extremely curtous and people commont on them all the time when they are here.
Love those two. And you, too.
OMG!!
I would never let
him back in my house
ever..
never ever...
Yeah... stuff like that makes me feel pretty good about my kids, too.
There's a couple of new boys in their Boy Scout troop (this is BOY scouts, 11 yrs old and up)... I feel like their parents signed them up for scouts just to have somewhere to drop them off on Monday nights.
The boys have to fulfill certain requirements to get badges and such, I'm pretty sure this is common knowledge. Well, last week we had a special meeting where they handed out these badges, and one of the new boys was sitting behind me (he's 12 or 13 I think).
"How come I don't get no award? That's jacked up."
Along with several other similar comments, this is what I heard all night. It made me cringe. These boys could be the demise of the 30 year old troop, because I really think they bring down the morale of the rest of the boys with their behavior. That is just not how a scout should act, and I wonder how they act when they aren't at scouts? They are representing the whole troop, ya know?
And, I would agree that I wouldn't want this boy at my house, either. It's hard to tell other parents that their kid isn't behaving the way you think they should. Maybe if you do have him over you could say "this is how we do it at our house, so that's how you need to behave here, and if you don't you won't be allowed over again".
Did his parents thank you when you dropped him off? I had a 15 year old at my house last year that behaved that way. Her step dad SCREAMED Kayla because she couldn't give him directions to our house...Then, he screamed at me. I tried to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, but then I found out that she was stealing anti depressants from our house...
I wouldn't want little Eddie Haskell back at my house, either. That kid needs a crash course in human behaviour. It sounds like he was raised by dogs.
I applaud you for keeping your cool the whole time :)
I do counselling with kids and a)the people they live with always have the most influence and b) J-man's friends will begin to have more of an influence as time goes by. Your intentions are honourable but might be more trouble and frustration than they're worth in the long run.
Good luck deciding what to do about this!
I totally understand your feeling of not wanting this person around your child -- he doesn't sound like a good influence at all. I DO understand your wanting to model a positive, healthy family dynamic for him, though.
My personal feelings are that I could forgive SOME of those things, but all of them together? He sounds like he's just plain spoiled! He was rude, unappreciative, and manipulative. It would be one thing if he just had no table manners, but calling J dumb in his own home? No, that's not how friends behave.
I would sit J down and tell him, "Look, I know you enjoyed having your friend over, but he wasn't a very good guest. He acted like we were servants there to wait on him, and I didn't enjoy his visit. that's why I think we won't ask him back until he learns to be a better houseguest." That way, you haven't said no entirely, but you've made your displeasure and your issues with him well known. And J doesn't feel like he's done anything wrong.
Great advice everyone. I have been putting off talking to J-man about it, but now think I can.
His parents said thank you and were very appreciative. Probably because they got rid of him for a few hours... jeesh.
Hey Marni Dude. Sounds like you had a lot of fun with this kid.
It is admirable to try to be a positive influence in a child's life. None of us knows what this kids deals with at home or how he was (or was not) raised. If you continue trying to be a positive influence on him, that is truly noble.
However, your kids come first. Nothing is wrong with letting your son play with him as long as the kid understands the "boundaries". I'd flat out tell the little booger that rudeness and bad behavior will not be tolerated in your house. I'd spell out the rules to him and if he can't deal with them then you'll have your answer.
I had a neighbors daughter who is 8 like Sydney and asked if she could come over to play. The girl reminds me of the school bully type. She's a lot more aggressive and louder than my girls. Anyway, after being at my house for about 30 min., walks up to me and asks me if I can "do something" with Nicole (my 5 year old) so that she can play with just Sydney. She said that Nicole wouldn't "go away" as she had asked. She'd actually made Nicole cry by being so mean and trying to exclude her (Sydney told me). I let that little snot know in a heartbeat that in MY house, she was the guest and if anyone was going to "go away" it would be her. I told her that Nicole would never be excluded in her own home. I also told her that our family treats each other with respect and kindness and if she wanted to come over she'd have to do the same.
Never heard another word about it or had another problem with her.
Not sure what might work with this kid - sometimes you just have to protect your own. Mama Bears that we are!
Listen to Carl, do not try to be a positive force in his life - it will simply drive you crazy. I refuse to put up with bratty or disrespectful children. We've had that happen twice and they've both been uninvited from our house with the child and parents (if they asked) knowing why.
Kid L was upset only for a brief time. J-man will get over it, he'll make a friend that treats him (and you) properly.
Reading about this troll is exactly why I want to have my baby in a cave and not have to deal with any of their friends.
But I love how you dealt with him and there were some great comments too, if there is a next time that he comes over.
I'll have to snoop around your site because I'm sure you say how old the kids are. (they're not newborns!)
And you know that this kid grows up to be that colleague that nobody wants to be around...
:)
I agree with Laying Down The Rules.
Jman is watching.
It sounds like he is lonely and doesn't receive proper attention from his parents. Like your special coffee drinking session. It sounded like he wanted to join and get some special attention as well. In some cases it sounded like he wanted to be part of the family, that he likes your family.
He probably is the facilitator in his family.
I think it is kind of sad that so many people have sad that you should not have anything to do with this kid. That's kind of the problem with society today, isn't it? We are so concerned with our own well being that we ignore the larger picture.
That phrase about taking a village to raise a child is apt. When I was a kid, and I am sure when you were a kid too, *any* adult felt that it was within their rights to tell a child how to behave. And we learned how to be respectful towards other people because of it.
I wouldn't ban this kid from your house, for one thing, kids who are off limits are always much more appealing than other kids. At the same time, I would make damn sure that your kid knew the house rules. Kids catch on quick. Once he knows your expectations, I bet he does a good job abiding by them.
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